MELISSA'S THOUGHTS

November 9

Change me...I can't change myself

Melissa

I need a change in myself

I can't quite put my finger on what exactly

but I know it needs to happen

I've tried and failed

over and over

I'm not strong enough

I know it

and that sucks

but at the same time

what a relief

I can make a change

but it will never last

people aren't built for creating lasting change

we are too fleshly

concerned with the urgency of personal instant gratification

too focused on topical symptoms

unable to get to the root cause of our damage

so then what

how do I find the lasting change I so desperately crave

I want to be different

I want a soft and malleable heart

I want to be teachable

but oh how my stubbornness interferes

I want to love with a pure love of self-less-ness

but who knows what that even means

I want to serve with humbleness

but pride gets in my way...and I don't even recognize it for what it is

oh LORD

I know you are the only consistently constant one

the only thing that can bring real change in me

and this is where it starts:

"Search me Oh GOD and know my heart

test me, and know my anxious thoughts

see if there is any unrighteous way in me

and lead me in Your ways" (Ps139:23)

take my stubborn heart of stone

and make it into a heart of flesh

willing to do

whatever you ask of me

I want change that stays changed

becoming permanence

which means a constant blood transfusion

with Jesus

in order to nourish every extremity

it is only this way that allows me to have hands to serve you

and serve others in Your name

and this desire for change beckons me to cry

"create in me a clean heart oh God

and renew a right spirit within me" (Ps51:10)

I want to become a replica...a copy...an echo

not of some temporary person here on earth

because our time here is just a fleeting moment

a breath

no--I want to be molded into your image Jesus

I have this hope

anxious expectation

because you anchor my soul

in the midst of my perceived turmoil

I am tied to you

with an unbreakable rope

that none can sever

and I have this promise

"that neither death nor life

nor angels nor demons

neither the present nor the future

nor any powers

neither height nor depth

nor anything else in all creation

will be able to separate me from the love of God" (Rm8:37)

I was once a slave

serving every whim of the god of myself

all of it sin

even the "good" things

were nothing of lasting significance

the need of every other person = less important than mine

but then You came

and broke my chains

adopted me out of the depths of my despair

called me daughter

precious one

you washed the dried mud of sin

and the blood of death

from my skin and soul

and joy overwhelmed me

you made me new

and now

"I delight greatly in the Lord

my soul rejoices in my God

for He has clothed me with garments of salvation

and arrayed me in a robe of righteousness" (Is61:10)

I know transformation comes at a price

it hurts

bad

and its hard

and we only seek it when staying the same becomes more painful than the change

but I have hope

"we also rejoice in our sufferings

because we know that suffering produces perseverance

perseverance --> character

and character --> hope

and hope does not disappoint us

because God has poured out His love into our hearts" (Rm5:4-5)

and so I continue on

seeking the change only You can bring

the type that is permanent

lasting

the type of change that makes me more like You